Living Fearlessly

Welcome Back

2006-01-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

When I was young my father use to watch a show called "Welcome Back Kotter". I always knew it was on, because I could hear that all familiar tune blaring from the TV in the living room. At the time it drove me crazy. It was just another boring adult sitcom. A teenager can only take so much of their parents shows before locking themselves in their room, wearing earplugs with their head face down on the bed and a pillow firmly hugged around their ears to help drown out the noise even more. Now, however, every time I hear that theme song I get these warm fuzzy feelings inside that take me back to my childhood. There good feelings however and ironically I now like the tune. (Doesn't God have a mystifying sense of humor). I picture myself sitting at the kitchen table doing homework while my mom does the dinner dishes and my dad relaxes in his recliner. I can hear him chuckle at some of the silly one liners John Travolta and the rest of the cast say. Ironically like the song, I am taken back to a place I never thought I'd go back too, or at the time wanted to come back to. I am taken back in time to a good memory that I misfiled somewhere in my mind with the DO NOT Open categories. I relish in this good feeling for a little while and my heart grows heavy with sadness for my parents who are miles away. Now I dont feel so bad when I refuse to turn the channel from little house on the prarie because my son thinks its boring. One day he will remember his mother crying her eyes out because Mary's eye operation to See again didnt work and he will smile. He'll wish for simpler times and a chance to be in his parents presence as he experiences their realness, their vulnerability, what makes them laugh. I miss my father, and I would love for a chance to hear that all familiar tune again to "Welcome back Kotter" along with his chuckle as he relaxes and is just.......Him.

Birthday

2006-01-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day! I turned 34 today and it is hard to believe I have been on this earth for 34 years. It is amazing to think that God loved me so much that he made me. Today I got to sleep in till 9am! Wow that was cool. Then right after breakfast I had a dear friend, Kathy call this morning, hoarse and sick to wish me a happy birthday. Then my son and I packed a lunch and went to a co-op playdate. Before we went though, outside my door was a pkg. It was my Bible on Cd I ordered a couple weeks ago. I couldnt help but think the Lord purposelly waited to deliver this on my birthday. Ironically, his word. Then we came home and relaxed. This afternoon my husband got off early and surprised me at home with a dozen long stem roses(my favorite). That was awesome. I recieved many e-mail bday cards from friends and this evening my husband and I went to dinner together. Afterwards we picked up the movie Notebook, which to my surprsie he agreed too, after all it is my birthday. We plan on watching that with a glass of wine and some snuggling. I came home to 3 voicemails from my family singing happy birthday to me and it took everything I had to hold back the tears. I miss them so much. Needless to say this has been a blessed day. The Lord gave me this day 34 years ago and so I know he will continue to bless this special day in my life every year. I look forward to the blessings. I also wish the best for every single one of you on your special day. After all they only come but once a year. God bless!

Goals

2005-12-30T22:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted. I have been busy with family and the holiday season. It is amazing how time slips by. We say it isnt going to, but yet it does. Well, I am fortunate enought to live near my dear friend She-She, so we have started some new goals together. One is exercising. We meet EVERY morning at 7:30am. Though sometimes we are not always fully awake for this event(Sheesh), we still manage to accomplish this task. We walk or bike. My dog is loving it! He is finally loosing his holiday pounds he gained.........4 years ago! Along with this I am so blessed to be able to have someone to pray with every morning. This does so much for my soul and my day. She is a wonderful friend and support and mentor and sister and I dont know what I'd do without her! We recently also started a new goal. She happens to be a professional photographer and I thought she could make a really cool book with her pics. Through some encouraging she agreed and turned around and brought up my long awaited book I started on a couple years ago. So I agreed that I needed to return my focus there. Now we have a deal this week to get 2 pics for her by Friday(today) and two pages for me. I think she got the better end of the deal there. JK. Well The first morning we agreed to this, the very next morning she had it done! But not just 2 pages......6 pages!!! (Overachiever). Needless to say it is now 11:30 with half an hour to go before friday is over and I just turned in my 2 pages an hour ago. But it is done!!! I have accomplished this goal and it feels great! I too, had fears when it came down to putting everything on paper. However, when it is done it feels good. Thanks for the encouragement Sheesh. I strongly encourage an accountability partner for everything! Laundry, cooking, eating, perhaps even to remind you of your weekly bath. Though that may be to personal for some, and yet painfully true for others.God bless and good night!

Praise the Lord!

2005-11-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

This year is definately a year to praise the Lord! He has been so good to our family. It has been hard and at the same time it has been easy in the sense that God was by our side every step of the way. It has truly been a year of balancing, seeking and depending on God. Without him, there would only be pain, with him there is rejoicing and victory after the pain. Or should I say suffering. That is how it feels at the time. I can truly say GOD is GOOD!!! He has brought my husband safely back from the war and is rebuilding our family faithfully. It will be a year of adjusting but it will also be a year of healing. He has already promised that. However in order to get to the healing, wounds have to be aired out and old branches have to be cut off. I know though that he will carry me through it and once again there will be victory. I have the proof, my husband is home safely and that is one of the promises the Lord gave to me. I know that I need to be praising the Lord this year through the good AND the bad. I keep coming upon a scripture that I will carry with me through this year. It is Psalm 149:1 "Praise the Lord. Sing to the Lord a new song, his praise in the assembly of the saints." I am singing a new song to the Lord this year, it is a song of healing and rejoicing and victory! My prayer is that at the end of this year, my whole family will be saying, Praise the Lord!

God is Good

2005-11-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

Wow! what a weekend! Myself along with the other 2 women in our acting ministry were the speakers for my churches 3 day womens retreat. The Lord moved so mightily that it was overwhelming. So many women did not want to leave. The Lord healed and revealed and delivered. It was a blessing. The Lord taught me so many new things and moved me to into a deeper intimate walk with him and myself. However, though the weekend was fulfilling I am now very tired and in much need of rest. This is also my month to teach at our coop so I came back Sunday evening then spent all day monday at co-op. It is now Monday evening and I have a splitting headache. I know once I sleep all well be well. When I arrived back on Sunday evening I went to pick up my son and when we saw each other we embraced and gave each other a long awaited hug. Family is beautiful! I will be even more happier when my husband arrives home in another month, then no more lonely holidays alone. I know this year I have learned much from my own lonliness and I want to be there for other women alone and in need without family. The Lord has given me aheart for those women, and I hope that I can fulfill the task of being there when he calls me to for them. I will continue tomorrow when this headache is gone and I can think straighter. For tonight I leave you with this. A verse the Lord spoke to me this weekend. Do unto others as you would to you. God bless.

Bittersweet

2005-11-03T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have a situation I am hurt over right now. Really hurt. I dare dont say because I feel the Lord will bring resolution.....eventually. However, it would be great if I could see it soon. Meanwhile, I am tired, weary and lonely. Yes I have a wonderful church family and friends however, they dont come home with me. I am alone......I have no family here, my husbands and I's closest friends left, and my husband is fighting a war in Iraq, getting shot at EVERY day. I am utterly alone. In order to understand this feeling you would literally need to imagine being in my shoes for a year and a half or you would need to live it. What is the most annoying is when people always try to relate to this in some sort of way......I just smile and do my best to show Christ. It is hard though.... I know they are trying to comfort me. My finances are suffering, right along with my yard and house and every other small detail that needs taken care of. I homeschool our 5 year old son, which I am blessed to do, and at the same time it is time consuming, along with the Acting ministry I am in. I am blessed there too, We were asked to be the speakers for my churchs retreat. I am also a part of Mops. I am the drama coordinator for this. I also do speaking and other dramas for the church. Yes,....this is all my doing, and I wouldnt change it....well maybe a couple of things. The thing is...I'm alone. With my husband here to help with the house and our son it makes a world of difference, that is what I wish people would understand. IT IS HARD!!!!! Sometimes I think if I were to just stay at home and stop going anywhere, if anyone would notice. That is how much I hurt. Thankfully I am sound in Christ and know that this is not what he would want for me nor my son. I fear his wrath more than I do mans. I wished just once this year someone would have said, Hey Rebecca can you and Ethan come over for dinner, but instead I was asked to stretch myself out for others. I was taken advantage of because I was alone verses given help and love in which I REALLY needed. As you can see this is all part of my bitterness that I have truly been working on with the Lord. Everyone sees me as a smiling happy person, the truth is....I HURT! Yes, I could advertise and tell everyone and ask for help, but when you hear how busy everyone is....well, what do you say. I need prayer here and I know the Lord is working in me. I am learning to Love in the midst of my pain and help others when I have no help left in me, and to forgive. It is a journey. The one thing that has held me this year has been Gods love. Without him I would be a hermit and I would probably not care too much for the people of this world. Fortunately....by Grace I can go on. the funny thing about all this is that in the midst of the bitterness, there is sweetness. My husband will be returning home soon....FOR Good! and he has learned that he never wants to leave us again. I am excited about his return and to have his arms to hold me and to just lose myself in that warm embrace. This year through the lonliness, I have learned to lean on God and cherish my husband. Because in the end it is only Gods love that you can count on. So as you can see.....Right now is a time of bittersweetness for me. I am just grateful that sweet comes after the bitterness. Thankyou Lord.

Jesus Loves Me

2005-09-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Jesus loves me, this I know,
for the bible tells me so,
little ones to him belong,
they are week and he is strong,
yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
For the Bible tells me so.
Wow! I use to sing that as a little girl in sunday school class and with my mom in the car or anywhere. Now I sing it with my son anywhere. Lately, we have been singing that song alot for our morning bible lessons. (I home school). The funny thing is, well actually there are 2 funny things. One is that I only know a select many bible songs( I know its sad) and the other funny thing is, it is no coincedence the Lord has me focusing on that song. He wants me to know, I mean REALLY know that he loves me. No matter how I look, act or talk. He KNOWS me and He STILL loves me. Lately I have been running from a more intimate relationship with the Lord. I didnt even realize I was running till the day I spent with my son. Now that the realization has hit me that he's pursuing me, He keeps bombarding me with Revelation. This may sound great, and it is, however it is also very scary and hard. Just when I thought I was healed from past wounds and that my relationship with God was good, He shows me something completely new and peels another layer of skin off the onion ( Which, I dont know about you, but I feel onions are better left unpeeled, Less tears), and shows me our relationship can be 20x's better IF... notice the IF, I take this walk with him and allow him to love me. In order for this to happen, that means I need to do a whole lot of knowing him and becoming MORE vulnerable( like I wasnt already). This year I learned that I need to lean more on the Lord and that has strengthened our relationship, now I am learning that in that trust of leaning more on him, I also need to let him love me, and I know he does, however knowing and letting are two different things. Jesus loves me, I am weak and he is strong, and He Still loves me, For the bible tells me so.

Concentrated Love

2005-09-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a wonderful day. It was a day totally for and with my son. I had been putting it off for quite some time. I think there was a fear of the barrier of sexes. How do I play with boys? I can totally play barbies but cars?...Well, today was the day I held to my time for him. First we went to his soccer game which was very awesome. It was so cute, cause he'd always look over to see if I was watching him. The look on his face was priceless. Next we went on an outreach with our church. It was so great to see him knocking on doors and helping with the bags of groceries and clothes. He made the comment, "mom, if I see someone who doesnt know Jesus, I will tell them about him." Talk about warm your heart. He got it, he got the morning and what we were there for. Afterwords, I treated him to mcdonalds and then finished watching a movie with him at home. However, I have to say the greatest part of our day together was the thing I feared the most, playing with him. Actually giving him my undivided attention and playing cars, duck-duck-goose, hide and seek, and racing around the back yard playing tag. It occured to me today, that he needs me NOW, not tommorrow, not later, NOW. I am getting teary eyed right now thinking about his smiling face and all the love he poured out on me today and all the love I poured out on him. We spiritually and emotionally connected and it was great! Kinda like the Lord wants to do with us. I think some of us may have that fear of, what do I talk to him about? He's God and I'm a human. When he doesnt even see us that way, he sees us as family his children and he just wants to have relationship with us. Play with us. I mean like sit and talk and laugh and praise him. I praised my son all day and he LOVED it, he praised me all day and I LOVED it. We laughed and we talked. God wants so badly to have a relationship with us, just like our children want. Its those times that you are sharing when you can feel the concentrated love for one another. And let me tell you....it is pretty amazing.

Daily Dose

2005-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to the phone ringing at 7:51 in the morning. THIS is early to me. There was a time when this was late, however now that I am a stay at home mom, well.......you know. I thought who on earth could be calling at this hour:) It turned out to be one of my dear and close friends who recently moved back to Kentucky. She had been trying to reach me for over a week. I was very happy to hear her voice and the phone call was a pleasant surprise and started my day off great. I had a great dose of laughter(which I have been missing). Later, I went to aerobics and had a wonderful workout which also added to my day. This was an awesome dose of energy. After aerobics I then went to payless for cleats for my son. Unfortunately they did not have them and I had to drive 20 min out of the way to get them. When I got to the other store I had a wonderful conversation with the female cashier. Nothing special, just talked about purses and shoes. A great dose of feminity... And finding the cleats for a great price,.. a great dose of faith in God. So if you are wondering where I am going with all this, its that, this morning I started my morning off right by not being irritated or disappointed by the little interruptions in my day. Instead I looked at them as daily doses of blessings. Have you had your daily dose today?