I have a situation I am hurt over right now. Really hurt. I dare dont say because I feel the Lord will bring resolution.....eventually. However, it would be great if I could see it soon. Meanwhile, I am tired, weary and lonely. Yes I have a wonderful church family and friends however, they dont come home with me. I am alone......I have no family here, my husbands and I's closest friends left, and my husband is fighting a war in Iraq, getting shot at EVERY day. I am utterly alone. In order to understand this feeling you would literally need to imagine being in my shoes for a year and a half or you would need to live it. What is the most annoying is when people always try to relate to this in some sort of way......I just smile and do my best to show Christ. It is hard though.... I know they are trying to comfort me. My finances are suffering, right along with my yard and house and every other small detail that needs taken care of. I homeschool our 5 year old son, which I am blessed to do, and at the same time it is time consuming, along with the Acting ministry I am in. I am blessed there too, We were asked to be the speakers for my churchs retreat. I am also a part of Mops. I am the drama coordinator for this. I also do speaking and other dramas for the church. Yes,....this is all my doing, and I wouldnt change it....well maybe a couple of things. The thing is...I'm alone. With my husband here to help with the house and our son it makes a world of difference, that is what I wish people would understand. IT IS HARD!!!!! Sometimes I think if I were to just stay at home and stop going anywhere, if anyone would notice. That is how much I hurt. Thankfully I am sound in Christ and know that this is not what he would want for me nor my son. I fear his wrath more than I do mans. I wished just once this year someone would have said, Hey Rebecca can you and Ethan come over for dinner, but instead I was asked to stretch myself out for others. I was taken advantage of because I was alone verses given help and love in which I REALLY needed. As you can see this is all part of my bitterness that I have truly been working on with the Lord. Everyone sees me as a smiling happy person, the truth is....I HURT! Yes, I could advertise and tell everyone and ask for help, but when you hear how busy everyone is....well, what do you say. I need prayer here and I know the Lord is working in me. I am learning to Love in the midst of my pain and help others when I have no help left in me, and to forgive. It is a journey. The one thing that has held me this year has been Gods love. Without him I would be a hermit and I would probably not care too much for the people of this world. Fortunately....by Grace I can go on. the funny thing about all this is that in the midst of the bitterness, there is sweetness. My husband will be returning home soon....FOR Good! and he has learned that he never wants to leave us again. I am excited about his return and to have his arms to hold me and to just lose myself in that warm embrace. This year through the lonliness, I have learned to lean on God and cherish my husband. Because in the end it is only Gods love that you can count on. So as you can see.....Right now is a time of bittersweetness for me. I am just grateful that sweet comes after the bitterness. Thankyou Lord.
